We had the big Dr.'s appointment today complete with sonogram. The girls were initially enthralled with watching the baby on the monitor. But things went downhill when it went on too long. The technician couldn't get the picture she wanted and was making me move around. Then she asked "you had you triple screen for downs syndrome right?" "No," I replied. "When are you going to take it?" "I'm not." "Ok." Then I felt like she immediately left, but that's probably not accurate. She returned to tell me that the head of maternal/fetal medicine would need to come at look at my scan. I didn't see this as a good thing, so I started praying. She came in and started concentrating on the heart for a while. My brain was overloading with what if scenarios. I am happy to report that my first reaction was that it was going to be ok and God would give the grace to deal with a Down's baby. I was practicing my happy thoughts for the delivery...."he'll bring great joy...etc."
But, a holy priest I know once said its not your first reaction that counts, but your second. That's where I failed miserably. My second reaction was along the lines of I can't believe this is happening. I will never be able to go be a lawyer and do something cool. I am going to be stuck taking care of this child. I indulged these thoughts for a while before realizing, geez, I have a lot of work to do. I am nowhere near embracing this vocation to be a wife and mother like I should. I need a lot of grace, a lot of help.
All in all, it was a long day at the doctors....more scares, ultrasounds, leaving my girls with strangers.....it was enough to tire me out!!!!
And no, I didn't find out if it was a boy or girl. I need that surprise to get me through the next 20-22 weeks.