Monday, May 28, 2012

You can't make this stuff up...

***Sometimes this blog is only about stuff I want to remember and tell to the kids at family dinners when they get older.  It really isn't that interesting, just one of those crazy days that seem to be increasingly common!***
So today, the first day off of school, we decided to run some errands.  The original plan entailed waiting for a quick service at the dealership.  The swagger wagon just hit 90K and needed some TLC.  So we roll in, all coordinated in red, white, and blue for the holiday.  We had just finished daily mass with all the members of the greatest generation who always love seeing patriotic young kids on Memorial day.  (One year one guy slipped us a $50.  True story.)  But everything pretty much went downhill from there.

Scene 1-
Upon arriving at the dealership the guy opened up my hood as children spilled out of both sides and gave out a, "'re going to need a new timing belt."  I knew this was not good.  Not good for my pocketbook.  But okay, detachment.   Let's talk about what really counts.  "How much time is that going to add?" I asked.  "Oh, about two or three hours."

Well, we were planning on waiting so then I realized I needed to switch gears.  I ask about rentals and the service assistant says she'll call Enterprise.  Great.  We go and wait in the waiting room while I shoo all my kids into the "kid room" so they avoid watching Judge Judy and other highlights of daytime television.  Five seconds later I hear a huge "THWACK" and Momo is on the floor.  She ran directly into a glass wall at full speed and was knocked to the ground.  She's screaming, everyone within a 30 mile radius is staring, and I put on my best game face and try to calm her down.  Ok, minor problem but we work through it.

Scene 2-
They have decided to give me one of their minivans but just need to see my insurance card.  No problem.  We all move out to the cashier area to check out.  The card isn't in my wallet, so I hand the baby to a child (big mistake) and run out to get it from the car.  Ruh roh.  It isn't there either.  I checked every nook and cranny and start hyperventilating thinking that I could have been pulled over without proof of insurance.  Not good.  Keep in mind I am raking through my disaster of a car while some dude is sitting in the driver's seat ready to pull away.  I'm muttering to myself about getting pulled over and he helpfully points out that the cops in South Carolina are much worse than in Georgia.  Great.  Anyway, I get back into the cashier office- which was totally visible from the car- to find the baby screaming and children fitfully shoving a sippy cup in his mouth.  What the?  Turns out he had been dropped and wasn't all that happy about it.  I tell them I don't have an insurance card over the din of the screaming baby and they tell me to call my insurance company to fax something.  OK, things are looking up.  I just need to get the baby happy first.

Scene 3-
We return to the lounge and the guy with the textbook is really happy to see us.  I start feeding the baby and call my insurance company.  I finally get through and it is the slowest, yet ever pleasant, person I have ever encountered.  "OOOKAY, let's double check all your personal information from the last ten years" sort of thing.  Children are shoving snacks in my face,  I am desperately just trying to be nice but get the dang fax sent, and it is taking so long the dealership people are coming over saying, "Just give us the policy number!  That will be enough."  I kind of got the feeling they wanted us out of there.  Go figure.  I finally say something like, "Please sir, I just need to get my 5 kids out of this waiting room as fast as possible" while he continues to lecture me on why I need to carry my insurance card.  All the while my children, out of the corner of my eye, are talking to the dealership manager who's picking up their trash and chatting with them about school.  He's a nice man and I know his wife but I just wanted to crawl under the nearest rock and die.

Scene 4-
We load up carseats and got the hell out of there, faxed copy of my insurance card in hand.  I didn't take anything out of my car that I would need for the next 3 days- no makeup, no garage door opener, no stroller.  We just booked it out of there.  Can't wait to show up again and return the car!

Friday, May 25, 2012

7 Quick Takes- Vol.1- The Moving Edition

  1. Umm...we are moving.  Sometime.  When, I don't know.  Because we are trying to sell our house.  And we put a lot of work into selling it, but it isn't selling.  Oh, and did I mention that we are listing it for less than we paid for it?   Wrackin' frackin' economy.

(I wish I could say the above was true, but I am fairly certain there are a few Mommy Dearest memoirs in  the works.)

2.  To complicate matters further, I am now a single parent, because the Colonel is already at our new duty station.  Single parenthood isn't for wimps...but sadly, I am a wimp.

3.  This is sort of like the deployment, but I have two more kids, including the needy, yet ever smiling, 7 month old who tries to climb stairs and swipe things off of shelves.  There are also house showings, soccer, baseball, and May.  May is crazytime but at least this is the last day of school.  THANK YOU JESUS.  (Except can you help with keeping the house clean now that all 5 will be underfoot all day?)

4.  The thing about deployments is at least you get more money.   (That sounds so callous, but work with me.)  And of course being the thrifty gal that I am during the last deployment I put all that extra money to good use.  How?  I used hazard pay to take the kids out to dinner when I knew I didn't have it in me to be on good behavior in private.  I have to be nice in public because there's no yelling at Panera!  Sad, but true.  But this time, there isn't any extra money and there's that cute 7 month old who turns into a holy terror at the restaurant trying to knock every plate and cup off the table while propelling himself off the highchair along with the three year old who randomly yells one word sentences so loud the twenty somethings on their laptops jump even though they are wearing earbuds.  Delivery anyone???

5. Showings are a new experience for me.  So new and exciting that I hope I never have to sell another house as long as I live.  I totally understand my husband's general agitation when he's taking call.  Why?  BECAUSE YOU CAN NEVER RELAX.   I check my cell phone compulsively looking for my realtor's name to show up on the caller ID.  You never know when you are going to get "the call".  You know, the one when they say they want to come see your house in exactly 1 hour and you pull a U-turn right there and race home to just put the lights on in your immaculate house.  Oh wait, my house is never immaculate for more than 5 minutes when people are actually in it.  When you have 5 kids it always take at least an hour to make the house presentable.  Every showing is totally toilets, chucking stuff in laundry baskets, speed vacumning with a babe in arms.  I pack all the random stuff in the minvan and drive off drenched in sweat and covered in grime.  I am fairly certain I look like I'm either homeless or a hoarder as we tool around town driving slowly through random parking lots.  We stop at a park and the van opens up.  The children jump out, hair uncombed, clothes dirty (because I ignored them and sent them to play outside while I cleaned my way out and no way was I going to let them back in to make themselves presentable) and people just sort of look and gather their children close.  Oh well, this can't last forever.

6.  You know things are bad when you see a 2 motorcycle speed trap ahead, envision yourself getting pulled over and literally breaking down in front of the officer "I am so sorry sir, this is just the straw that broke the camel's back" and then ACTUALLY start crying as you drive past the radar gun.  That Ponch and Jon duo had no idea how lucky they are they didn't pick me.  BTW...No, I'm not pregnant.

7.  This is all very whiny, and I am sorry.  I just feel like whining.  Have no fear though...I am offering up this CRAZY time for many good intentions I promise.  Lost jobs, surgeries, health problems, cancer, sick children, crime victims.  I can't get over how many horror stories I have heard since this moving saga started. I am convinced God is telling me to get it in gear with this whole communion of saints thing.  We're all in this together!

Go see Jen for more!